My trip - 1

Alright, I planned to do this last night, but I was a bit busy decorating my new house. First things first though.

I was a little frustrated with the lack of a proper, heavy weight, so I asked you what to do. There was a suggestion of lifting ships or old Russian subs. So, I did what any modern would do and went to Google. It turns out there are lots of abandoned soviet sub bases left, some still equipped with whatever it is they use in there. They're closed to the public of course, but I'm not the public.

So, I went to Russia. Other people would have to book a plane ticket, stand in line, sit on a plane, be bored to death etc. etc. I just took a running start, reached the coast in a few minutes of dodging houses and cars, or not dodging them in the case of one unfortunate BMW that is now scattered across a square mile of countryside. Reaching the shore, I took a running jump, clearing half of the Channel in one leap, before swimming the rest of the way in about five minutes. After a comfortable jog of 40 minutes, I arrived at the general location on the Russian coast. 

My muscles had already torn apart my clothing, having pumped up from my super fast walk here to a size that my tight outfit couldn't handle. Not knowing where to start looking, I decided I needed a better view, so I jumped straight in the air and scanned the area. Now, jumping over 200ft straight up wasn't much of a problem for me, it was landing that's hard. I tumbled over on my way down, slamming straight on top of a 50ft tall pine tree, reducing the top half to kindling before bouncing off and landing on my face. Pissed off, I kicked the tree, which exploded in a shower of woodchips. To my credit, the next jump I managed to avoid hitting anything and the one after that, I even landed on my feet. The fourth jump, I finally spotted what I was looking for, a large steel door in a concrete plug in the mountainside.

Walking there, giddy with anticipation, I noticed a sign. It was in Russian, but crosses, skulls and exclamation marks are universal. I don't like being told what not to do, so I grabbed both sides of the sign, ripping it from its foundation. Grabbing a loose hold, so not to bend the metal too much, I rammed it towards me, pulling it tight over my breasts like a sheet of tinfoil. Unlike a sheet of tinfoil, it curved nicely around most of my breasts, except my nipple which was sticking straight through the other end of the sign. This was going to be a nice souvenir for whoever was going to find the leftovers from my day. Tossing the sign aside, I walked towards the steel door, imaging everything inside the base that was just shouting for some fun.